Fear

Leading up to my stem cell transplant, I’ve had a few people ask me if I’m scared or afraid.

Having cancer, it’s a question that I get asked frequently at times.

For those who aren’t familiar with the transplant procedure, a person gets dosed with high dose chemotherapy, that kills all of your bone marrow. All of your blood comes from your marrow, red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets. Obviously, without those cells, you die (and people do from the procedure). A couple of days after the chemo, they infuse your own stem cells back into you and after a few weeks they engraft and your body starts producing blood again.

When I was first diagnosed, I definitely had fear go through me. With death looming over me and all that uncertainty, who wouldn’t be afraid. I went over that a bit in my post “The Elephant In The Room”.

Fortunately, a plan of action was formed and I learned a few weeks after my diagnosis, that I wasn’t powerless against cancer. There were things I could do myself that would increase my odds. I started transmitting my fear, although it still took time to work out. I had to face my fears otherwise it was going to drive me crazy.

Let me tell you, being afraid is EXHAUSTING. I just can’t do it anymore. So the answer to the opening question is “no”. I’ve more or less made my peace with death and once I got passed that, there isn’t a lot to be afraid of.

Being scared all the time, I don’t know how people can do it.

Fear is meant as a temporary mechanism to keep you alive. After a certain point, people let fear consume them, and it stops you from living.

Of course, the world just went through a worldwide scare with covid. I know people whose whole lives turned upside down with fear from covid. It was really amazing to witness. People wouldn’t leave their homes for anything. Spraying all their grocery’s with bleach. Avoiding all human contact.

I couldn’t help thinking, “if you’re terrified of covid, try having cancer”. I’m not belittling people’s reactions. Everyone is at a different point in their lives, being able to handle different levels of difficulty. It was just a bit odd for me to watch from a perspective of someone who has cancer. Having myeloma is like being hospitalized for Covid, waiting to see if it’s going to overwhelm your lungs or not.

Worrying about something is like paying interest on a debt you don’t even know you owe.

Mark Twain

I must say that I do find that I do have to remind myself from time to time, to not worry or be fearful. Fear is very good at creeping into the cracks in your mind. It plants little seeds that will grow into bigger things that can be very hard to get rid of.

Cancer test anxiety! What if the cancer is coming back? What if we can’t stop the cancer? Is that pain just a pain or is it cancer? What if, what if? It can go on forever, which is why I find it exhausting. If the answer was yes, to the cancer coming back or being unable to stop it, would worrying about it change anything?

Worrying about things will not change a single thing, so why spend energy doing it?

If you stop to think about it, fear pretty much always has its root in death.

If you are afraid of spiders, they are going to crawl on you and bite you and you’ll die.

If you are afraid of heights, you are going to fall off and die.

If you are afraid of the dark, something you can’t see is going to get you and you die.

If you are afraid of Covid, you’ll catch it and die.

If you are afraid of clowns, umm I’m not sure about that one, but it probably leads to death (🤔 they are creepy and get you?).

If you have cancer, you are going to die.

If we had an amazing perfect life, living in a bubble and nothing bad ever happened to us, we would still die. Death is part of life. Fear is part of life. Being paralyzed by fear is the problem. If I’m going to die from old age or cancer (or from clowns 😜), wouldn’t it be more useful, instead of being fearful, recognize it, overcome it and make the most of each day? Make a positive change in my little section of the world. Affect what I can affect. Wouldn’t you want to do the same?

You are either in control of your mind or your mind is in control of you. I prefer to be in control and not have fear dictate my life. If your mind is in control of you, then you have to work and train your mind. And believe me, it is work and it’s ongoing. No one is born with a perfect mind. It has to be developed and strengthened. Ironically, having adversity and overcoming adversity is one of the best ways to strengthen your mind.

When I was about 8, I had a little stuff animal T-Rex. It was only about 10 inches high. I really loved that little guy. One night I was in bed and I wished really hard that the T-Rex would come to life. I was pretty sure my wish would come true. I was lying there, thinking how cool it would be to have a pet T-Rex, and then it dawned on me, what if (there’s that “what if” again) it came alive while I was sleeping and started eating me (and I died)??? I quickly threw it out of my bed, across the room. I thought, “I’ll just see the alive T-Rex in the morning”. My mind had just created the impossible, and it was terrifying.

“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”

–Thich Nhat Hanh

I was trying to come up with the opposite of fear. Would it be bravery? That seems logical but it doesn’t quite seem to fit. A better fit in my mind would be, if you’re not afraid, you probably have peace or tranquility.

So how do you obtain inner peace or tranquility? Firstly, I would say it’s not something people can have all the time. It comes and it goes for most of us. After all, we are all human and have human reactions. You have to keep working at it, and do your best.

Some people obtain some peace through religion, prayer or being in a holy place. If you don’t believe in any of that (or it doesn’t work for you), try to spend time in nature, such at a forest or beach. In such places, you can face/talk about your fears, accept them and maybe find some contentment.

I like to spend time with giant redwood trees. When you are sitting next to a being that is 2000 years old and will out live everyone on the planet today, it can put life into some perspective. Connecting with nature energy heals your heart and mind.

Breathing techniques can knock out fear quite quickly for immediate or unexpected fears. It helps rein in control the mind. Meditation helps you stay in control of your mind all (or more of) the time, so fear doesn’t take hold.

Practice forgiveness. You can’t have peace within yourself if you are carrying around the bitter baggage of the past. True forgiveness is a tough one for people. “I have forgiven you”. “Then why do you keep bringing it up monthly, yearly, every 5 years?”. If you can let go of grudges, then it’s easier to let go of fear.

You can practice gratitude. If you are thinking about things you are grateful for, and grateful for things that are going well in your life, you spend less time on fear. Gratitude keeps our mind in the present, whereas fear keeps our mind in the past or future.

Your mind can be either a strength or it can be a weakness. It takes effort on your part to strengthen and have control of your mind. I think it’s worth the investment of our time to do so, after all, think of the time and energy we currently invest in our fears.

Dale Carnegie says, “You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.”

So snuggle with your stuffed dinosaurs, for they won’t bite. High five the next clown you see for trying to make you laugh. And maybe dying is really just the great next adventure.