Let me preface this by saying this is not about me suddenly approaching death, so calm down. This is a post that I’ve had rattling around my head for a few years. I didn’t think I would ever write it though, thinking it might be too offensive for some people. But lately, I’ve had some death and near deaths in my circle, so I decided to write it. So if you’re easily offended, or you are uncomfortable with your own self, you better stop reading here.
I find it a bizarre practice that people take the time and effort to go to another person’s funeral when they didn’t take the time or effort to be in contact with the person when they were alive. It’s a bit of a head scratcher for me.
I’m mean, I get people wanting to pay their last respects to a person and say goodbye. But wouldn’t it make more sense to show a person how you care when they were alive? I’m pretty sure that a dead person isn’t concerned about spending time with a living person, but a living person may be. Does a ghost of a person hover over their casket with a clipboard and list, checking off people that show up for their funeral?
“Oh, Uncle Jim and Auntie Sue are here; that was really nice of them to come.”
“Hmm… No Uncle Steve…… geez, I thought we had a better relationship.”
I do believe that actions speak louder than words, or your actions go to the core of how you actually feel. If you say you care, but your actions don’t reflect that, then I think that your actions are saying what’s truly going on.
“I care about you; let’s talk/visit/create some memories.”
“I care enough about you to attend your funeral; see you there!”
To illustrate, I will use some of my own recent life’s experiences. I have an aunt and uncle in their mid 80s and by their own description and their children’s description, they are really slowing down and aren’t able to do certain things anymore. Realistically, they could pass anytime or they could live another ten years. They live thousands of miles away, so visiting is a challenge. It’s easy to let distance be an excuse and a barrier. So I have to ask myself, how much do they mean to me? I can still email, call, or video chat, which are all easy, with minimal effort.
Now comes the bizarre part about being human. Despite how easy it is to pick up the phone, a lot of people don’t. Send a text message in one minute, nope! As human beings, we come up with all sorts of excuses on why we do things or don’t do things. I know I’m guilty of it. I think an excuse is really just a justification in our own minds on why we do something, to make ourselves feel better.
I know people have their own lives and are busy doing them. But they aren’t busy all the time, and then it comes down to a choice, whether it’s a conscious one or a subconscious one. Is this person important enough to me to call/text/email/visit or are they only important enough that I would go to their funeral?
In the case of my elderly aunt and uncle, I made the choice to stay in contact with them because I appreciate having them in my life. But that was an easy one, so let’s ratchet up my internal difficulty.
Recently, another one of my elderly aunts had a heart attack. Which, in its own right is a challenge. To top it off, they discovered while she was going through all her procedures, she has cancer. So to combine age, heart and cancer, it’s a hard road going forward.
So I find myself evaluating our relationship. Again, living thousands of miles away, but this time, I’ve only spent a handful of occasions with her. She has never reached out, except through my parents, and I’ve never reached out either, so it has been a minimal relationship. I care about her as a person, but how would I feel if she suddenly died? Do I try to rekindle a relationship? Or is she someone I see at a funeral? The ball is in my court. All it is, is a choice and an action. Again, it’s pretty easy to email someone.
This post is not about me judging people; this is just an observation of mine. My whole point of this piece is to give encouragement to value the people you value in your life while they are alive and not wait to see them at their funeral.
Carrots Over Cancer 