Tag: random thoughts

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Gratitude And Cancer?

Jothi

I’ve been thinking about the subject of gratitude and cancer lately. With Thanksgiving this week, I think it’s good timing to write down a few of my thoughts.

I think most people get so caught up in their lives, what they are striving for, what they are working for, they lose sight of what they have.

I was recently part of a cancer thread on the internet. It was started by a woman who had breast cancer for a number of years, going through years of treatment, remission and relapses. Her latest treatment has failed, and she is out of options and is preparing to pass away. She was sharing how she was grateful for her life, and she also had some gratitude for cancer because it changed parts of her life for the positive.

Cancer patients who overcame their cancer and transformed their lives, transformed their being, they are the ones people usually hear or read about.

But perhaps that is not the norm?

In that same thread, another person shared, who has had lymphoma for the past 8 years. “I’m not so sure I’m grateful at this point. My entire 2025 has been cancer treatment and tests. I don’t have gratitude for anything.”

Reading that made me sad. Part of me does fully understand that thinking. Just like most cancer patients, some of the cancer treatments I have gone through have made me thoroughly miserable.

But I couldn’t help wondering to myself, why are you going through all of it if you have no joy in your life and nothing to be grateful for? What is the point? Is it the fear of death keeping you alive? I’m not faulting the person in any way, because I do understand. It’s such a shame that humanity’s answer to cancer is cancer treatments that sucked out this person’s essence.

Why do I do it? Why do I keep scraping myself off the floor (fortunately, I currently don’t have to scrape myself off the floor)? What do I have to be grateful for? Well, let me tell you.

It could be for something simple like, I’m done being nauseous after a chemo treatment. Or getting to see something amazing in nature, such as a sunrise or a 2000 year old tree.

But I think the things that I’m most grateful for are, watching my wife have a good laugh. Watching my children in their triumphs and helping them through their failures. Learning something new or having a witty conversation and having someone’s intellect rub on my own.

I really think the secret of happiness, or at least what I have come up with is, enjoy other people’s enjoyment. If I’m able to experience joy from other people’s joy, then I feel fulfilled.

I find myself somewhere in the cancer gratitude middle. I can be grateful for cancer for giving me a tremendous amount of time with my family. I’ve been able to be more involved with my children and enjoy watching them grow. It has forced me to look at myself, my life and see my flaws, and it’s given me an opportunity to correct things within myself. I’ve had the opportunity to meet other people with serious health problems who overcome things that you wouldn’t think possible. I’m eating healthier, exercising more and learning new skills.

On the other hand, it has really negatively impacted my finances and my ability to work. I’ve spent a lot of time going to treatments, being sick from treatments, and being in survival mode. If I die before I’m ready to go, I won’t be pleased. I guess I will have to see where I’ll end up to have my final answer on cancer gratitude.

I think it is important, especially when your life is challenging, any challenge, not just cancer, to remember what you have to be grateful for, even if it is something small. I think it enhances a person’s well-being, increases life satisfaction, and helps you remember why you are living.

What do you think? Does gratitude and cancer belong in the same sentence?

I’m grateful to have learned a new skill like growing reishi mushrooms.

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Stitches Through Time

Jothi

When I was younger, I used to embroider with my grandmother, probably mostly to keep me out of trouble. I wasn’t very good at it due to my young age, but it is still a memory that we created.

A few years ago, I was thinking about time. You pay time for all sorts of things, and a number of them you don’t end up with anything for your time. Excessive social media use is one prime example. Scrolling for a bit can give you some entertainment, but after a certain point, you don’t gain anything.

I was talking with my wife about doing some embroidery again. She got me a kit for my birthday, and she retaught me again. I completed one and decided to start on another. I thought it would be fun on the second one to take a picture each time I worked on it, and at the end, create a video. It took me nearly a year, with some significant time off from doing it due to treatment, but I finally finished.

I hope you enjoy watching my stitches through time.

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The Gift of Giving

Jothi

This is a repost of an post from a previous year. But as we are at this time of year again, I’m thinking about the gift of giving again. Something new that I’m reflecting on this year is that my children are aging. In my opinion, children, especially young children, really make Christmas time memorable. Their excitement and anticipation are just so much fun. It is really something special.

Another new experience for me this year is that my two older children have significant others in their lives now. Having two new individuals into our family is exciting. I couldn’t help fast forwarding in my mind 5 to 10 years to glimpse a picture of what our family will be, and what my wife and I have been working so hard to create is coming into fruition.

My youngest is now 14, and I’m realizing that I only have a handful of years left before he starts outgrowing the excitement. It will be awhile before the next generation in our family comes, so I’m really cherishing the present.

Anyhow, here is the original post…

I’ve been thinking about gifts a lot lately, obviously because of what time of year it is. This is something I really wanted to write about, but I’ve been spending so much time with family as of late, I haven’t had much time for writing.

I have some fond memories of opening or receiving gifts. I remember exploding with happiness and joy, one year when I was around 11-12. I had just unwrapped a Game boy! I had really wanted one so bad. Can you imagine, playing black and white (actually, I guess it was kind of greenish) Tetris in the palm of your hands! (Yes, I’m a bit of a geek at times) It was so amazing. I can see any young people reading this rolling their eyes, but this was really cutting edge technology. It’s nothing compared to today’s technology, but back in my day, HOLY COW!

Or the time my Dad got a basketball hoop and hung it on our garage. Finally, I could shoot hoops as much as I wanted. One year, my Dad had some new asphalt laid on the driveway, which included in front of the garage. It was a brand new court, no more bouncing the ball on a random rock and shooting off in a different direction. The pavement was a thing of beauty.

I remember one birthday, maybe around the age of 11, I spent almost the whole day volunteering. I came home just for a little bit, barely had any times for presents or cake. I remember going to bed that night, thinking it was my best birthday ever. (I do remember getting Mario Bros 2 for NES, which was awesome until I realized Nintendo pulled a fast one on everyone, and it wasn’t a true Mario game). Maybe at this point, I had received a glimpse of giving?

Fast forward a few decades and I had children of my own. Holidays with kids in the house is 1000% better than not having them around. They just ooze with anticipation and excitement. It’s so much fun to be around. I loved shopping for and buying wooden Thomas the trains, legos and craft projects for my children. One year, I was hunting for a wooden Cranky the crane (from Thomas) that my eldest son really wanted. I finally found one on eBay, new and for a price I wanted to pay. Score, victory! My son exploded with happiness as he unwrapped, opened the box and started cranking the handle to move the string up and down, carrying a piece of cargo.

By this point, I was on board with giving. I was married and wanted to give whatever I could to my wife and make her happy. We started having kids and I wanted to give them whatever I could and make them happy. I was a giving pro or at least I thought (legend in my own mind again).

As it turns out, it’s actually quite easy to give things to children and they get happy and excited. What about adults?!?! Try to give something to an adult and have them radiate happiness and joy.

Throughout my life, I’ve heard the saying, “you can’t actually give anything away.” I thought, “that’s nice”, without understanding. Within the last 5-8 years, I think I finally have understanding and that increases every year. I’m a believer.

As it turns out (Again!), it’s actually the person who is giving, who is the one who is benefiting the most!

Wow, what a lesson, and I don’t think it’s a lesson that everyone learns. I’m not sure if I’m reaching an age that has some wisdom that comes with it (I still have a long way to go in the wisdom department, maybe by 80 I’ll be wise?) or it’s part of my cancer-university (growth) or what? Of course it helps to have some givers in my life that I can observe. Maybe in another 10 years I will finally get it completely.

I think people who just buy everything that they want for themselves, because they can or don’t care to take the time to give, are the ones who are really missing out. I find that a shame for them and actually pity them.

True giving, taking the time to think about, find, buy or make a gift and have it be something that brings happiness or joy to a person, is something special for the giver. They are the ones who get that good feeling in their chest, that true happiness radiating from and around their heart.

And if you want to talk about true happiness, try volunteering or giving your time to someone in need and receive a (golden) genuine “thank you” in return. Holy cow! That’s something that nurtures your soul.

Of course, you don’t always give or get what (they) you wanted. It’s probably not possible 100% of the time. Perhaps, it’s more about the energy or the wanting to give, that comes with a gift, than whatever the gift actually is. That’s maybe what’s actually important.

I can’t speak for my parents and the game boy, but I have a feeling, as with when Cranky the crane entered ours lives, that my wife and I were the real winners that day. As my years, holidays, birthdays and anniversaries go by, it’s more important for me to give than it is to get, because I’m the lucky one in the end, who receives the Gift of Giving.

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I’ll See You At My Funeral

Jothi

Let me preface this by saying this is not about me suddenly approaching death, so calm down. This is a post that I’ve had rattling around my head for a few years. I didn’t think I would ever write it though, thinking it might be too offensive for some people. But lately, I’ve had some death and near deaths in my circle, so I decided to write it. So if you’re easily offended, or you are uncomfortable with your own self, you better stop reading here.

I find it a bizarre practice that people take the time and effort to go to another person’s funeral when they didn’t take the time or effort to be in contact with the person when they were alive. It’s a bit of a head scratcher for me.

I’m mean, I get people wanting to pay their last respects to a person and say goodbye. But wouldn’t it make more sense to show a person how you care when they were alive? I’m pretty sure that a dead person isn’t concerned about spending time with a living person, but a living person may be. Does a ghost of a person hover over their casket with a clipboard and list, checking off people that show up for their funeral?

“Oh, Uncle Jim and Auntie Sue are here; that was really nice of them to come.”

“Hmm… No Uncle Steve…… geez, I thought we had a better relationship.”

I do believe that actions speak louder than words, or your actions go to the core of how you actually feel. If you say you care, but your actions don’t reflect that, then I think that your actions are saying what’s truly going on.

“I care about you; let’s talk/visit/create some memories.”

“I care enough about you to attend your funeral; see you there!”

To illustrate, I will use some of my own recent life’s experiences. I have an aunt and uncle in their mid 80s and by their own description and their children’s description, they are really slowing down and aren’t able to do certain things anymore. Realistically, they could pass anytime or they could live another ten years. They live thousands of miles away, so visiting is a challenge. It’s easy to let distance be an excuse and a barrier. So I have to ask myself, how much do they mean to me? I can still email, call, or video chat, which are all easy, with minimal effort.

Now comes the bizarre part about being human. Despite how easy it is to pick up the phone, a lot of people don’t. Send a text message in one minute, nope! As human beings, we come up with all sorts of excuses on why we do things or don’t do things. I know I’m guilty of it. I think an excuse is really just a justification in our own minds on why we do something, to make ourselves feel better.

I know people have their own lives and are busy doing them. But they aren’t busy all the time, and then it comes down to a choice, whether it’s a conscious one or a subconscious one. Is this person important enough to me to call/text/email/visit or are they only important enough that I would go to their funeral?

In the case of my elderly aunt and uncle, I made the choice to stay in contact with them because I appreciate having them in my life. But that was an easy one, so let’s ratchet up my internal difficulty.

Recently, another one of my elderly aunts had a heart attack. Which, in its own right is a challenge. To top it off, they discovered while she was going through all her procedures, she has cancer. So to combine age, heart and cancer, it’s a hard road going forward.

So I find myself evaluating our relationship. Again, living thousands of miles away, but this time, I’ve only spent a handful of occasions with her. She has never reached out, except through my parents, and I’ve never reached out either, so it has been a minimal relationship. I care about her as a person, but how would I feel if she suddenly died? Do I try to rekindle a relationship? Or is she someone I see at a funeral? The ball is in my court. All it is, is a choice and an action. Again, it’s pretty easy to email someone.

This post is not about me judging people; this is just an observation of mine. My whole point of this piece is to give encouragement to value the people you value in your life while they are alive and not wait to see them at their funeral.

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521 Days Left

Jothi

I went to the lifespan doctor today. I sat down in her blue medical chair and waited for her to finish reviewing my paperwork. She finished up and said,

“Hold out your finger please”

You see, I was sitting next to the lifespan machine. She pulled out a thin cord that had a tiny needle attached to the end.

“Ouch”, I cried out as she stuck me with the needle and took a little bit of blood.

The dials and wheels on the machine started whirling as it processed my blood and was computing.

It printed out a small strip of paper with the number 521 on it.

“You have 521 days left to live”, the doctor said.

“Good to know”, I replied as I got up to leave. “Thanks”.

🤔 Of course, there is no such thing as a lifespan machine.

Sometimes, I feel like I didn’t have a worthwhile day and it was a wasted. It does leave me pondering, dang, what if I only had 521 days left to life and I just wasted one of them? Sometimes, I just have to live with that thought.

Whoever you are reading this, what if you knew you only had 521 days left? What would you do that would make them good days left?

For me, seeing my wife or kids have a good laugh and a big smile on their faces, makes it a good day.

Going out in nature and experiencing things that make me be in awe, is a good day.

Doing something creative, makes it a good day.

Spending 5 hours a day looking at instagram is a good day…… oh wait, Meta high jacked my account and wrote that in there! Actually for me, those are the days that I feel like I wasted, the ones I spend too much time looking at a screen (I only spend 5-10 minutes a few times a week looking at instagram).

Next time you have a good day, try and identify what made it good and try and duplicate it. Next time you feel you wasted a day, try and find out why it felt wasted and try and eliminate that aspect.

None of us know how many days we have left to live, 1 to 25,000, try and make them count in whatever fashion counts for you.

We don’t have a machine that tells us how many days we have left. I’m going to try and do my best not waste mine.

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My Hidden Superpower

Jothi

I was walking my dog Yukon the other day. We go for a walk every day, for my benefit and his. Most days, Yukon needs to have a bowel movement along the way, much to my chagrin. But hey, it’s part of nature, and I’ve let go of my timing preferences.

His perfect moment for this day was way at the other end of our street, in front of a deaf guy’s house. Yukon was doing his business, not in the guy’s yard but in front. Suddenly, the door flies open, and the guy starts yelling at me in a way that I couldn’t understand, since he was deaf. But it was pretty easy to tell he was not happy about Yukon’s choice.

“I’m cleaning it up” I said.

He kept yelling, not hearing what I said. Obviously, out of habit I spoke, since I don’t have much experience communicating with a deaf person.

I showed him the dog poop bags, he understood that, waved and slammed his door.

Now, I’ve never left a mess behind, anytime or anywhere, from my dog. I hate stepping in dog poo and it’s a lame move to let your dog poop in someone’s yard and leave it. His reaction would have been fully justified in my mind if that’s what I did. But I didn’t. He must have been having a bad day and this was the last straw.

Lucky me, it’s not like I can control my dog’s bowel movements. OR CAN I??? It’s something that I’ve wished for more than a couple of times.

REALLY?!?!

You are going here?

I have to carry this now for 2.5 miles, back to a garbage can!?!

It would be a super handy, but super lame super power.

Recently, I was standing in a circle in my superhero group. You see, an Alien race was starting to invade, and it looked like the end for humanity. We were its last hope.

“Let’s review everyone’s powers before we head out” Colossal man said.

“I have super strength and speed” one said.

“I can teleport” said another.

“I don’t have a superpower, but I’m really rich and can make gadgets” said the third.

“I can create and control fire” chimed another.

It was my turn and everyone turned to me.

“I can control my dog’s bowel movements”, I said.

Invincible Woman turned to me and said, “I’m so jealous of your power.”

“I know right, it’s pretty awesome” I replied. 😜

Oh well….. I guess I can cross off getting scolded by a deaf man off my bucket list.

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Fernando

Jothi

I was cooking lunch today, and the song “Sweet Child o’ Mine” came on. That song has one of the most epic openings of all time; you can’t help but play your air guitar. But it made me think of my friend Fernando.

We weren’t best friends or anything. We spent countless hours at work together, even though we worked for separate companies. Spending a lot of time with “the guys” somehow creates a brotherly feeling.

Fernando loved rock and roll. I remember him always going to concerts and wearing various rock and roll band t-shirts. He had a loud, rich projecting laugh. He loved hummus and celery and would tell me excitedly what flavors of hummus were his favorites. His dream vehicle was a Chevy Silverado. He was so happy the day he drove up after he was able to buy one.

I remember one job. It was my job to completely redo the electrical system of one of the famous “Painted Ladies” houses in San Francisco. The job was near the end. I had taken off my work shoes in the garage, to go inside so I wouldn’t scratch the new floors, to go up to the 4th floor to do some testing.

Fernando thought it would be funny and a good joke to take a roll of blue painters tape and go around and around my shoes with tape, until they were a blob of blue tape.

One of his co-workers called up the stairs in an urgent voice for me to come down.

Unfortunately for Fernando, his boss and the architect made a surprise visit, and they wanted to go over some things with me in the garage.

I got to the bottom of the stairs to see Fernando’s face, stressing out, panicking, and trying to take all the tape off my shoes, worried he was going to get into trouble with his boss. I had a good laugh at his prank backfiring. He wasn’t going to get it off in time, so I just kept walking into the garage in my socks. Fortunately, most people just don’t look at other people’s feet, and his boss and the architect didn’t notice. He had such a face of relief afterward, and we all had a good laugh.

A few months after my cancer diagnosis, about five years ago now, I got a text from a gossipy co-worker. I had gone through radiation and was doing induction chemotherapy (VRD). I was not working and was trying to get my head straight again.

“Did you hear about Fernando?” He asked.

“No, what’s up with Fernando?” I replied.

I was standing out in the backyard, in my garden, and there was no reply. “Well, thanks,” I thought to myself. You can’t just say something like that and ghost a person.

I’m also friends with Fernando’s boss. I called him up.

“What’s going on with Fernando?”

“I was trying to keep this from you” he replied.

“WHAT!?!?!” I said impatiently, getting nervous.

Fernando’s boss is 6 feet tall, gruff, hairy as all get out, an ex-football player, has a good beard as well a gigantic belly, and looks like he should be driving around on a Harley.

He burst out crying.

“Fernando killed himself a few days ago.”

“Oh God,” with tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

I was in shock. I know we kept talking on the phone, but the conversation has been wiped out of my head. I just remember the crying. My work brother was gone…..

We go through our lives creating a network of strings, of connections with people we come across. People who become part of our beings. When people disappear from our strings, there are holes.

You don’t understand what role you hold for other people, but it’s more than you think. It’s something that I think of occasionally, between my pre and cancer life. Sometimes I already feel like just a memory to my pre-cancer relationships. What things will I be remembered for?

For the record, I love hummus and celery as well.

Sweet Friend o’ Mine, Fernando.

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Just Over It Mindset

Jothi

I was reading another myeloma blog today. The author, who has had myeloma for over ten years, was expressing his feelings of just being over it at this point.

I’ve been aware of the “just over it” concept for a while. I’ve seen in other people who had cancer, and I’ve seen it in older people who had lived long enough, having had their fill of life’s experiences.

An interesting thought popped into my head. I wondered what would be better, having a cancer like myeloma that can last years, or have a different cancer that just wraps up your lifespan rather quickly. It’s hard to be over it, when you don’t get the time to be over it.

I suppose it matters greatly on the person, their age, and how much they want to keep living. Not that you always have any measure of control over things. I’ve seen too many stories, such as an example, of a parent of young children, who develop cancer and are no longer with us, who probably would have rather kept living.

Time toxicity is something very real. I think the first time I heard of the concept was from reading an article by an oncologist. Basically, time toxicity in cancer is taking a chemotherapy that they can estimate, will add X amount of time to your lifespan. You gain X amount of time, but you will spend 3/4 of that time driving to the therapy, waiting for the therapy, getting the therapy, being sick from the therapy, getting tests for the therapy, etc etc…

So the end result is gaining a small amount of good lifespan.

Which leads back to the “just over it” mindset. If you are getting to that point, I think it’s important to review what your reasons for doing what you are doing are, and what you have to be grateful for in your life. Then it becomes easier to see what your effort is worth. And if it’s not worth it to you anymore, I think it’s ok just to be over it and move on from your body. It’s a personal and family choice.

I’m personally, not “over it”. Although, on chemo days, when I feel like crap, I do find myself asking the question, “is this worth it”. The answer is always “yes”, but I can see the perspective of “just being over it”.

Anyhow, that’s my random thought for today. Blood test tomorrow, maintenance chemo the following day. I only have blood tests every 2 months now, which is great. I’ll share the results when I have them.

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Bumblebee saloon?

Jothi

We went to the beach yesterday. We found a good spot for lunch. After sitting there for a few minutes, I noticed bumblebees were flying around in larger quantities than you normally see. I looked over and could see fresh water leaking out of the hillside opposite the ocean.

It looked like they were coming and going from whatever they were doing (visiting flowers?), and stopping in for a drink. Perhaps they were swapping stories at the water cooler? I thought it was pretty cool and thought you might like to see.

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Tradition

Jothi

My eldest son is graduating from high school this week. I’m sitting here in California, weaving ti leaf leis. It is bringing back memories of learning and weaving ti leaf leis in my “Hawaiian Auntie’s” garage, so many years ago now, when I was a teenager. I lived on the island of Kaua’i for half of my life.

It got me thinking about traditions, as I was weaving a traditional Hawaiian lei. A ti leaf lei and giving a lei is not part of my born traditions. And yet, some Hawaiian culture and the islands are definitely now and forever part of me.

Some of my earliest memories are of sitting in my Ukrainian Grandmother’s kitchen in Canada, eating borscht and perogies. But, despite that being part of my born heritage, weaving a lei feels more part of me. (Although, Russia invading Ukraine does feel a bit personal, but I haven’t been to the Ukraine either.)

In fact, if I think about it, I probably have more adopted cultures than what I was born into, mainly Canadian and European descent. I have Chinese Buddhist culture now part of me, from learning about Chinese medicine and Qi gong. Also, I have Sri Lankan and Indian cultures weaved into my being.

I called my youngest daughter over while I was weaving the leis and asked her if she wanted to learn how to make a lei. All of my children were born in Hawaii, so I wanted her to learn. I’m passing on a little Hawaiian tradition, despite not being Hawaiian.

I just found it interesting, of things that become part of your being. You are born as one thing, and life’s experiences will add or change parts of your being.

Parts of Kaua’i still feels like home, even though it’s changed so much in the last 30 years. That got me wondering. Do you leave part of yourself behind when you leave a place that meshes with you? It’s more of a feeling when you go back to a place, than a bunch of memories that are resurfaced. A lot of cultures, and some scientists, believe that we are just energy. Do parts of our energy get infused throughout our lives?

Oddly enough, the place that I feel like I’m drawn to, is Japan. I’ve never been to Japan, but I feel connected to there. I flew over Japan on my way back from India a few years ago. We flew right by Mount Fuji, and I could feel myself being pulled. I hope to make it there someday. Maybe I was Japanese in my last life? I don’t know, I hope you enjoyed my random thought of the day.